A (lightly edited) excerpt from my notebook at the end of December.
It’s common that the end of the year seems to force a metaphorical looking glass to the darkest corners of our brains as James Earl Jones’s voice reverberates through our bones pleading with us to remember who we are. Especially for those of us plugged into social media, it’s easy to feel pressured to take stock of our lives and judge what we see in our reflections. Are we where we want to be? Where we thought we’d be? Is where we’re heading really where we’d like to be going?
Needless to say, the new year can be a shaky time for those of us who aren’t quite comfortable with the ground we’re on- when where and who we are in the current version of our lives seems to shift under our feet like sand. I spent this time last year suffocating in angsty reflection, and maybe it’s finally growing up a little, but everything feels much less dire this time around. So instead of fixating on all the things I wish I was but am not yet, I’m choosing to give myself a bit of a pep talk- to take stock of all the positives in my life instead.
There’s this stereotype of being swallowed by your 20s, floundering for firm footing; but this year has felt like coming home to myself with the kettle on and the the lavender cbd candle burning. That’s not to say it didn’t have its ups and downs- my Taurean stubbornness means once I’ve set my mind to something I'm not easily dissuaded, and going with the flow is far from a strong suit. I started the year set firmly on a certain career path, and am ending it bushwhacking through the undergrowth- feeling like I’m doing everything and nothing at once. It’s spawned a lot of stress and complaining. At times I would have sworn to you that I was barely keeping my head above water, but when I stop and take stock I can see I’ve been paddling along just fine, and am actually happier for it in the ways that I think really matter.
2018 was tough, but I feel accomplished, not defeated; empowered by the lessons learned and buzzed off that heady mixture of fear and anticipation knowing the new year is bringing its own set of challenges and changes. (Although I plan to be even more champagne buzzed in a few hours). Heading into 2019 I’m confident in the woman I am becoming and her ability to handle whatever life throws her way- and in comparison to last year that alone is something to be proud of.
In retrospect, a few things stand out from the past year- first and foremost the truly wonderful people, both near and far, that I am lucky enough to have in my life. Passports and plane seats; the feeling of his hand in mine, and arms pulling me closer in the middle of the night. A lot of saltwater- both tears and the ocean. Making new friends and reconnecting with the old; outbursts of laughter ricocheting through my apartment and footsteps echoing down a quiet museum hallway. Tequila glazed lips and the flicker of streetlights; the chatter of birds perched over my bedroom window and steam rising off early morning coffees. Sleep soaked eyes, the familiar rush of adrenaline. Old sweaters, new sneakers. Foundations strengthened through their shaking. This year has been losing and finding my breath at once.
Maybe it’s the particular way the ocean air tastes in a place that feels both old and new, perched on the precipice of a thousand beginnings with a chosen family. Worming my toes deeper into the damp sand, but staying put as the icy Pacific rushes past my ankles. At this moment life is soft and steady, but resonant with possibilities.